Movies That Suck

This is not a real review post this is just something i realized yesterday

2007-01-19T07:49:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I was watching The Brave Little Toaster at Ryan Tuttle's house and i realized the movie that i loved and cherished as a child was actually kind of dark and creepy. It was still a sweet movie though.

Pan's Labyrinth

2007-01-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

Warning: It should be noted due to the cinematic feat that is Pan's Labyrinth, the author of this blog will be reviewing this one seriously as opposed to obnoxiously and unnecessarily sarcastic.

Coming from the director of travesties such as Hellboy and Blade 2, Guillermo Del Toro succeeds in blending fantasy with soul crushing reality in Pan's Labyrinth. Aesthetically the movie is almost flawless. Usually I'm not a fan of subtitles, I find them too distracting and a deterrent from the actual film, but Pan's Labyrinth is an exception. The movie just sounds beautiful in Spanish and the irony of greek mythological figures speaking in Spanish is an interesting contrast. The settings are lush and colorful and the costumes are perfect. Structurally the movie makes sense. The symbolically sound plot develops perfectly with enough minor twists to keep you interested without getting redundant. The characters are intense and they all fill their roles well, from the gruff and ruthless Captain Vidal to the innocent and pure Ofelia. One of my favorite aspects of the movie however is the sense that such an outrageously violent, adult oriented film holds behind it one of the classic fairy tale morals. It takes you back to when, no matter how harsh the circumstance, innocence and purity always triumphed over evil and the valiant were rewarded while the wicked perished. Pan's Labyrinth is honestly one of the most brilliant films I've seen in a long time. The fairy tale aspects and archetypes are there, while the maturity of the situation Ofelia is presented with makes this a movie perfect for teenagers as well as adults.

Fight Club

2007-01-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

The first rule of Fight Club is you do not talk about Fight Club because honestly who'd listen. This movie was a grade A, trying so hard to be deep and clever garbage. I'd go into detail about the plot if the movie had one . Edward Norton's done better in Death to Smoochy and Helena Bohnam Carter has never looked better... physically. This entire movie was basically just another excuse for Brad Pitt to not wear a shirt. The most satisfying part is anytime Edward Norton is getting his ass kicked or perhaps when he blows his brains out at the end of the movie, the only drawback being he survives and his voice is even more irritating. I'd rather hear Gilbert Godfried sing the National Anthem than listen to Edward Norton's lisp infected mispronounciation of the letter S for another minute. My advice to Edward Norton would be try harder to not mess up putting a gun in your mouth and pulling the trigger and as far as Brad Pitt is concerned, he should consider pursuing that career in the soap industry.

Labyrinth

2007-01-08T07:22:00.000-08:00

Labyrinth, or as I like to call it "The Greatest Movie of all time," is the greatest movie of all time. Jennifer Connelly plays the role of a teenager named Sarah who is obsessed with fantasy books and plays. Like most teenage girls she feels alienated by her Father and Stepmother who always make her babysit her year old, screaming and crying half brother. She, in the allusion of her favorite play, (also titled the Labyrinth) wishes her baby brother, to be taken by the Goblin King (David Bowie). Much to her suprise her wish comes true and she finds herself actually playing the role of the protagonist in her favorite play. Jared, the Goblin King, gives her thirteen hours to solve an actual labyrinth, a giant life sized maze, before he turns her brother into a goblin forever. The plot is original, the characters are actual Jim Hensen muppets, and David Bowies costume is not almost too perverted for the childrens movie that this is. A must see for anyone who loves movies that are not cheesey at all and wishes to see David Bowie's life long dream of becoming King of the Goblins coming as close to being fulfilled as it ever will.

Requiem for a Dream

2007-01-05T07:54:00.000-08:00

Requiem for a dream is quite possibly the worst movie I've ever seen. Jennifer Conelly has had better luck with scripts like Labyrinth, and Jared Leto? Who the hell is Jared Leto? Requiem is a tragic story of four main characters traveling along to meet their own remote yet interconnected ends. Connelly and Leto play the roles of Marion and Harry, two heroin addicted lovers who's need to get high becomes more important than their need to not ruin their lives and their relationship. Marlon Wayans, half of the utter morons responsible for Scary Movies 1 and 2, plays Henry's best friend and partner in drug retail. The fourth is Henry's mother Sara Goldfarb played by Ellen Burstyn, who hasn't been in a movie any ones ever heard of since The Exorcist. She plays the part of Henry's delusional television and diet pill addicted mother whose dreams fall short due to her addictions. The plot's predictable and lacks depth and the constant close ups are vomit inducing. As far as I'm concerned director Darren Aronofsky who's, six movie career is far from even mediocre and Jared Leto could fall off of the face of the Earth and I'd forget about them by tomorrow. As far as Connelly's concerned she should have taken David Bowie's proposal in Labyrinth seriously and maybe she could have made something of herself. Ellen Burstyn was in the Exorcist... doomed from the beginning.

Disclaimer

2007-01-05T07:49:00.000-08:00

All posts posted by this poster are to be taken as seriously as possible.